So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
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what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage