you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!