a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
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A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer