*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
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Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Had an epiphany today.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!