9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
I love the honesty
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”