I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
me after drinking all the wine:
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”