Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
それは草
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is