I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
can’t catch a break
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.