you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
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*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
don’t we all
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please