never compromise your values
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Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Y’all ready for this
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house