Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
You Might Also Like
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you