My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh