Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
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if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Not helping
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Sing it!
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.