If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I hope they boil the right one.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch