i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?