I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You Might Also Like
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.