DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause