Most fashion shows these days…
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Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Weirdly Wednesday.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.