The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
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If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
i wish we could shoplift online
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me