By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
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A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.