I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
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Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
When your parents check you’re ok.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I love wikipedia
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.