I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
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Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Wake me when AI does housework
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
it was love at first sight