If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
[adds another nod to the conversation]
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”