Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
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[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.