Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
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I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Dune (2021)
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.