I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
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I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
those birds must be on payroll
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.