You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…