I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.