@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
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You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m awake but I object,
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!