Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
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I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?