Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
March 16
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila