me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
You Might Also Like
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise