Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Me, reading some of your tweets
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season