“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Yup
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture