my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
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9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
In case you needed to hear it:
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.