Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
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I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.