Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.