[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
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The two types of wives
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t