Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
You Might Also Like
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
my dog when i have a friend over
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
They’re called werewolves.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.