My body is a “wonder what happened” land
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day