My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Stick it to the man
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
describing stardew valley
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.