[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Wise advice
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!