Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You Might Also Like
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo