friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit