Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
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mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
WHY would you be happy about this?
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Cats are still liquid.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives