Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
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Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.