REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
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Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Barbie gone wild
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel