TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you