anyone else like Italian cereal
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King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Skills
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.