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Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.